It was a strange week, almost over. Debolina was here, after a long time we spend lots of time together, little bit travel together, though inside Delhi. Most of the time we talked about our Rajasthan trip together in 2008.

sand grave yard

Nostalgia is like a disease, it eats you up slowly, strangely good days never exist for long, but they come with extra happiness which can not be consumed in those moments , they stay back as memories. and me I am sure lots of people like me enjoy those memories, sometimes lives on those memories, like camels, save extra food in your hunch back for the bad times.

days vanishes in the shadows

These friends of mine are the reminder of my old city, Calcutta, where I spend 12years of my life finding myself, do not know the result of my search but collect some great memories.

my last Holi in Calcutta... collection in my hunch back

...passing by

Strangely again even after spending 5 years in Delhi I hardly managed to collect any memories in my hunch back, all washed away into drinks , consumed in every weekend evenings , like all our resistance got washed away into the ocean of consumerism, into those malls every weekend.

one weekend in delhi

another weekend...

Passes by, without leaving any memories, nothing for my hunch back...:)

Got a offer for teaching into the workshop, never thought before about teaching , normally I feel like hiding under the table if i have to speak in front of more than 3/4 people, but I am happy people think I am capable of teaching something, at least i can give some lectures where people will be interested in listening those :), may be I will spare riya from some lectures atleast....:)

me and teaching !!!!...:)

Run mitasha run...my mobilephobia

Everyday I fought a invisible fight with my 4 inches long , 1-1/2 inches wide enemy. In the morning first we start with a hide and seek game , sometimes it hides in my pillow cover , someday under the blanket or may be under the mattress, even sometimes I need to take my neighbours help to find it out ...okay I myself is bored with my riddle , even the moment I think about it i start having a bad taste in my mouth...I am sure some people who will agree with me by now they Know I am talking about my mobile phone...:((...once upon a time when I was pretty young and excited about everything new in life I started using this mobile phone even without knowing what a curse a i am calling upon my self.

Like today morning I was trying to convince Riya about spending a bit less time in front of the mirror. Now who ever is having a teenager daughter or close to a teenager or just pass their teenage they all know standing in front of mirror is one of their favourite pass time, even if for that they get late in school or tution does not matter really ...atleast for them...:)) and trust me giving lectures to these teenagers are like a roller-coaster ride of emotions, you start telling , they argue, you get angry and you scream then you see the fear in their face , looking at those innocent face you come down then you try to be nice then you again saw their indifferent eyes just bluntly staring at you as if you are just talking to a wall....and ...and you just loose your patient and booommm...you just burst like a bomb. So as like everytime I was in the middle of this ride and my phone rang. As usual I was not interested about it so i continued my lecture.

But I know what will happen, may be i will forget to call back as will be busy with my work and may be 10 days later one of my friend or relative will call and say, " okay now a days you do not even pick up my call", i will ask if it was something important and for sure its just that moment he/she felt like talking to me. I find it so strange, i know everyone will find it rude if i say why i have to talk to someone whenever they feel like talking to me, that moment may be I am just having a talk with my husband, or busy with my daughter or may be talking to another person or just may be watching a interesting movie...there is really no reason why those things are unimportant than this phone call. I definitely call back if I get any emergency sms from anyone but otherwise i just dont find any reason to pay some bucks to those mobile companies??

Let me describe a real day from my life when i picked up phone all the time it rang :

1st call: its from my cousin sister ( following the rules of great Indian family though we are not staying together any more but we are very close to each other), she is complaining about her son in law and how my niece is talking the side of her husband and ignoring her. ( it confuses me)

2nd call : it's from my mother , after my fathers death she is staying alone and she misses him andalso she is 74 so people around her are having age related health issues, so she talks about my uncle and aunts who are having health problems and different old age issues. ( makes me sad and i allways pick this call)

3rd call: it's from a friend of mine , its about how much naughty her 4years old son become ( funny stories makes me laugh)

4rth call : its from another friend about her fight with her husband. ( i get angry with her husband)

5th call: its from my aunt , its about my cousin sister who is a professional Singer got an award ( i am happy now)

6th call : Its from a colleague who want to me listen a short film story he is working on ( i gave some creative input)

7th call : Its from another friend who is talking about a friends film which is a absolute trash but got some award!! ( its bitching, spice of life)

8th call: it's from another colleague asking me for a date to complete my edit?? ( I have to plan)

In between my teenage drama queen has her issues , something like as i have given egg in the tiffin so her best friend who is strictly Veg refused to sit with her in the tiffin time??!! I have to work on my films or proposals, i would like to read something or watch some good movie, I would love to spend some time with my husband. Does people really think if I have all these conversations in a day I will be honest with my emotions every time??!!

People get angry with me for not picking up phones but never appreciate me when they find i am not picking up calls even when i am chatting with them face to face. Anyhow now i have accepted people defining me as a person who does not pick up mobiles, because I am happy by not having this unnecessary emotional movers and shakers. I tried several ways, if i switch it off then the moment I open it i got 10 worried msg of different people as if people can switch off their mobile only if they are bed ridden...to be more honest Mobiles became our signature of being alive.

Itried to get rid of it several times, even throw it off on the wall, from my 7th floor balcony but it always comes back in different shapes, with different model numbers, different mega pixel and with a different size of memory card. Everyday in instalment I spent at least half hour to find it out. Sometimes it just does not stop ringing , i feel like running, hiding under the table ...but it rings.

I just hope one day, one fine morning i will gather the courage to make myself free from this slavery, i just hope that day will come before I die.

possiblt a bit better

Today is really a bit better, may be to prove my prediction right my mind is behaving in a bit better way. I normally measure my mood by the length of my phone call to mom. I spent one and half hour over phone, I must say incredibly better compared to yesterday ; it was just 5/6 seconds.

today morning after a long time I had a look around my room and realised I am living inside a garbage dump…:)…I started keeping my books and DVDs on the floor. I am working on that though still it is not any better, I think will take some time….:)

for the first time I am writing like this in the day time. I am sure I am getting addicted. It remind me of writing diaries during my teenage; those pages were full of the stories of boys and confusion. I can not say confusion is not there any more but may be it’s difficult to write about boys. I am sure I will find that eternal tension in riya’s diary. she has one and like all other secretive teenagers she locked it up. sometime I am tempted to have a look…let me be a bit honest once I managed to find out the key even and had a look…and find about 3 boys within 6 pages, I never dare to ask my teenage daughter ( technically my niece but I know she is my daughter as she stays with me and will stay ) about them. I just locked it back as it was, as I never opened it, as if I never know the secrets; as some secrets need to keep as secrets. I do not have the courage to add some more confusion in my life. I am sure Riya is smart enough to play the field…:)

I am feeling like watching a movie, something spectacular, may be like Matrix or Lord of the Rings or Pirates of the Caribbean even Harry Potter will do. Just to say lots time people ask me you get a lot of money what you will do, I cant even answer ( all the things I loved to do I think I have enough money for that) , just now I realised I want to have a home theatre of my own, not the system only, it should of BOSE and with the Biggest LED and with blue ray DVD player and a big room for that, and even some company to watch movies…:)…hope to back at night

Long chat ...jibreshi darbesh...etc etc

Its was same same as yesterday...I went to edit...taking same road...though there was no accident today.

One more difference was I had a long chat with my maa...I can not exactly remember what we were talking about...but after some weeks maa started talking again...sometimes it seems like i can not touch maa any more...there is a unbridgeable distance between us whatever I do...it started after Baba's death...I can not handle the concept that my existence does not give her any consolation in life in reality...its so much conceptual...it must have started after I started staying in kolkata for further study...almost 15years back...we have lost our importance of existence or can say any meaning of our existence to each other ...it is more conceptual now...ultimately we are mother daughter...this is possibly what is called uprooted...our lives are so different now.

Edit was absolutely same boring..."boring is an understatement"...it was irritating...nothing specific but the whole situation irritated me...though I do not think that matters...the best thing was lunch...and Alpana's hilarious story of Jeebreshi meditation...Sweta and Vimalbhai had some cold war...which was definitely enjoyable....both take their life too seriously and other's life too lightly...I can not deny they both lead a dedicated life...for the work...by the work...the only conflict is whose work is more importatnt...which pissed Tarini off...though I am still not sure whose work was more important...Joining some boring footage is a meaningless way whose use is still not clear to me...or repairing an unused stereo player almost as an emergency work.

Another best thing is kind of thought about treatment of land acquisition film and thought about a nice film idea for aid gurgaon...I think both will work well...:))...I think I work well when pissed off.

D is out of town...will be back on Friday...I dont like home when he is out...P is trying to get rid of her bad habit...i just hope she really does it...she said she did not tell a single lie today...teenage is scary and also these teenagers...you have no idea when they start having flings with some bad habit...

Hope will manage to sleep soon

lifestyle, trees, car bill, nausea etc

Taking a break from chronicle of amnesia...I am happy...I am sure those very few people who read my blog are happy...:)

Can not say if it was a great day...but was happening enough...saw an accident on Munirka flyover...a elderly was injured , bleeding , sitting with on the road...delhi behaved as delhi...no one stopped...while coming back in the evening surprisingly the road was clear...no one sitting injured.

Did some edit today...film making is very easy now a days...capture footage , clean it and join it...people do not want anything else...thank god we do not have 24 hrs documentary channels like European countries, saved us from producing some shit everyday like entertainment channel serials ...thank god I do not earn my bread from film making...I had to make this shits more often.

someone with a big car was blowing horn asking to move a mobile ice cream stall...ultimately it worked ...the car managed to move one foot while waiting on a red signal...rat race...fast life ...need to move on.

Allready refused 3 projects...not a good thing for a freelancer like me...even some months back I was an workaholic...nothing motivates me...do not find any need to earn...basically I can not think about anything I want which I do not have... voluntarily retirement from rat race.

Today Alpana got a book from wills lifestyle...a catalog of models wearing short, skimpy dresses ( Alpana is around 50)...20 pages...one tree gone...do not need to be environment freak to get scared.

My petrol pump people again asked if I need a bill with some more amount than I spent...this is probably 10th time...its good white colour Gurgaon corporate people learnt stealing money from fuel expenditure...they complained for a long time about the drivers stealing petrols...its always better learning lessons than complaining.

I probably need to be less sensitive less nagging otherwise every day I am having nausea from the morning.

Chronicle of amnesia 2

I do not know why I went there...I am not an activist...definitely not focused in activism...I do not think I care much about environment...but can not handle any more the concept of "things lost forever"...people, places, faiths...the list is long enough to get scared...I am sure anyone from my uprooted generation will agree with me. I call my generation "uprooted"...almost no one stays in those places they born and brought up in(most of the time I talk about urban people like me but here I can add small towns and villages too)...no one is surrounded by those people they grow up with...a mobile generation...busy with new places...new faces. These small villages in pinder valley in himalayas, on the bank of pinder river will be submerged into a reservoir of a Dam(n) producing hydro electricity to supply electricity for our growing industries ...we will make some more dresses and cars...these places will be lost forever ... people will be submerged into the crowd of cities...another chronicle of amnesia...

a chronicle of amnesia 1

It’s a crazy time, sometimes I do not even understand the difference between playing farmville and going to a Gurgaon Mall…its all just display of unnecessary products…display them so innocently that as buying it not a reflection of greed rather a greater reflection of happiness. As if we can really buy happiness. May be we can…happiness will be a mirroring image of numbers of consumer goods. A friend of mine (his family includes his wife and a baby and a Labrador) bought a SUV because the Labrador does not fit into his smaller one. I possibly should be happy…but somehow I do not know how to react (hope animal rights activists wont be mad at me).

I am 38, during the globalisation started I was just 18. The world changed around me, the familiar words, visions disappear so quickly …its feels like a chronicle of amnesia. I saw my little peaceful home town on the bank of Ganges with old gothic buildings changed into a commercial concrete jungle within 10 years. We the uprooted generation moved around all over the country. None of us has a friend who is more than 10years old (10years!!…possibly I am exaggerating). New people , new places new life style even the concepts of life is new…with all new “normal”s.

Hope soon we will settle down…stop running so fast…will have a look around…will get some time to think (don’t think; go get!!)…and will stop buying whatever we see.

Game On

a small film on displacement and rehabilitation in New Delhi during CWG 2010

http://www.cultureunplugged.com/documentary/watch-online/festival/play/5649/Game-On

a dam(n) meeting

The tap of drinking water Jar was open, drops were falling on the floor and drying out instantly in a hot summer afternoon. He got up from his chair, slowly, unmindful, walked towards the tap, shut it tightly, trying to save every drop of water. End of the meeting , a room full of 20/25 people he is one person who will possibly loose his home, livelihood, his forefathers village, lands , trees everything to these drops of water we waste in Delhi. It was a meeting to make strategies to protest against making Renukaji Dam. A place 300 km away from Delhi, 37 villages, 775 hectors of forestland will be submerged; countless numbers of wild animals, 1700 families will be homeless to supply water to our continuous growing capital and to produce 40 megawatt electricity for our industries to hold on to our double figure growth rate. We made Bhakra, we made Teharis, made millions of people homeless to supply water in Delhi. Our environment minister says “45% of Delhi water is wasted because of the unequal distribution”, our prime minister talks about “inclusive growth”, “words” got lost into the air of development and double figure number of growth rate. At least once we find smaller numbers are more important than much big numbers, 8% growth rate become more dominant more dearer than the millions of numbers of homeless people.

Lets go back to that meeting, two of them were there…rest were us, people from the big cities. Probably tired of seeing “those” homeless people on the roads, some of us dared to think about having a fool stop. But here number follows its natural law. Big numbers dominant smaller numbers. We were merely 25 compare to billions of delhi middleclass asking for more water, in summer we need the water parks and swimming pools ready. With all our urbanised education we were planning the strategies, with our knowledge of all the “isms”( market capitalism , socialism , consumerism ) we were talking against the making of Big dams…planning about campaign against the dam, meeting policy makers with the reports, taking legal actions, trying hard to find loopholes and disputes were advising them to strengthen their protest.

End of the meeting we drink tea, go back home, having small evening drinking session with friends, take shower , dinner and go to bed.

End of the meeting their eyes search for every drop of water, licking from the taps, they tighten the taps, trying to save every drop of water in Delhi to save their home.

NB 1: to answer some questions that may come in your mind about rehabilitation and compensation. Only for last 10/15 years we have a rehabilitation policy but as we have already lost a amount of agricultural land to these dams and industrialisation so most of time ( take it as 99.99%) they are being rehabilitated to the baron lands and spend 5/6 years to even make it proper cultivable land. Only those who can bare the cost of living for those years they managed to hold the land , rest got lost into those homeless , nameless people we see everyday on the roads of big cities ( I agree some times we even run some schools for those street kids, not bad !!!) There are also number of people from those villages who are landless, earn their bread by working in others land or gazing sheep or goats then don’t even get any proper compensation. These hill people got rehabilitate to the planes, where because of the difference in soil and climate they can not produce those familiar crops they were producing from generations. Most of these remote villages a major section of economy follows barter system, so for them it takes a lot time to understand the market economy and the competition.

For a long time I was talking from “my mind”…which is possibly will be considered as a babbling of a emotional, oversensitive mind. So I would just like to add one line from Dr. Amrtya Sen’s book Development as Freedom where he stated “People’s capability to choose the lives they have reason to value” as one of the main component of development, which we are denying continuously in the process of development in our country.

hampi

why I am writing a blog?

Sometime I dont understand how to utilise my time or may be rather how to pass my time. its not that I dont do anything. rather when I work its 100% time consuming. I am into film making, nope I am not a film maker, just work with the crews when the film is on making, yap its like having a flag in my hand, as a green signal, or sometimes red , sorry for being a bit confusing about my profession. but I think that’s represent the state of my mind just now. I am a production person. work as executive producer or production co-coordinator depending on the size of the project. But I am a freelancer, so that I dont have to work always, sometimes I love my free times , sometimes I hate that, this is just a time when I am hating it.
this is the time when I hate talking to my friends even, this is the time when I become philosophical, cant tolerate my dear husband, hate to talk to my darling mom . cant even think about having an extra marital affair, not even making love or watching movie.
Interesting the time when I hate doing all this things , I am trying to write a blog and not hating it. its great, possibly I am just talking rubbish but I am enjoying and that’s all for me just now, what else can I expect?????
Just when I should do something more important , like as i am at home after 4months, I should take care of my home, which is looking like a platform, full of refugees, or a bit like a haunted house. but u know that’s the last thing I would do now. or may be writing some important mails, nope cant do that too. I can see my full write up represent the negativity just now I have in my mind, all the NOs, nothing positive. Its just all I dont want to do, there is nothing I want to do now.
writing blog just now giving me a feel of shooting not with the camera with a gun, bang bang, all out and open, nothing left inside my mind anymore. Possibly thats called frustration. Do you think its right to start something new with so much of negativity, but anyways if I think other way round starting something new somewhere has a stick of positivism also.
Reeling much better now, thanks to those people who started this concept of blog. If anybody even try to read it and want to abuse me please feel free to do that.